How do I describe my feeling for those final moments I spent with my father in hospice? The constant feeling of doubts and unknown what was going to happen. The many sleepless nights and moments of waiting, lots of reflection, thinking, feeling his struggles and pain. Fear of loosing him yet, knowing that letting him go is the best for him. I was grieving even before he was gone.
The last two weeks in the hospice was probably the most precious moment I had spent with my father. I remembered the last time we were alone with minimal or no conversation was when he drove me to school everyday. That was between 1989 to 1991. We were feeling comfortable in quiet moments, simply enjoying each other presence. There was no need for conversation. That was the exact word he said to me about ten days before he passed away. He apologized for not being able to engage in a conversation with me, yet he appreciated the quiet times alone with me. He said he liked it, that I was there with him was more than enough. Each visit would end with the feeling of reluctance to leave him alone in the hospice. Each visit also became harder to bare as his condition deteriorated.
On the 7th day of Chinese New Year (07/02/2022), Burso decided to buy him lobster rice for lunch after he discharged from hospital. We could not celebrate reunion dinner with him this year as he was hospitalized due to a fall. The lobster rice lunch was a simple gesture from Burso to celebrate reunion with him on the 7th day of Chinese New Year. The lunch was just Burso, mother, father and myself. Father was happy with the lunch even though he didn’t have the appetite to eat much. Two days after, Assisi Hospice notified me that father was able to admit the next day. While I announced the news to him, he was clearly feeling sad because he knew what that would lead to eventually dying in the hospice and not coming home for good. He teared and looked into space in deep thoughts. Many such moments happened in the last two years in which I wish I had the power to reduce his pain and uncertainty.
One week after his stay in the hospice, he could not handle his pain and loneliness further, and he asked if the doctor has a way to end his life. Since the day he fell sick, he had been coming to me requesting for food which he loved and enjoyed, sometimes asking me for opinions on domestic issues. Each time, I would do my best to fulfill his wish or even resolved the matters for him. Hence, it seems natural for him to approach me when he wants to end his life with the help of his doctor. I was unable to give him an answer because I have never say no to my father before.
I miss him. I miss his demeanor. He had never once raised his voice or get angry. Very simple minded man and too kind for his own good.
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